UP IN SMOKE...

Admittedly I was actually a late bloomer when it comes to Nicotine addiction.
Usually others who suffers my condition starts out really early, say from high school carried on to adulthood.

But in my case I started really late, if i remember it correctly I got hooked when I'm 24 years old already.This primarily because at that point in time I was ushered into Adulthood and responsibility plus my entry to the world of Pharmaceutical sales.
Being in a career that carries huge amounts of pressures coupled by the fact that at that time, doing it seems mighty glamorous and I felt like I belong to the in crowd as most of my co workers are puffers....

When i started, it was merely for show but as it progressed it turned into something else.

My smoking somehow eased some of the tensions both in my personal and professional life and kinda gave me something to do rather than be fidgety and walking to and from as what usually manifests when I am tensed , harassed or pressured..

And as all addiction goes it became a way of life for me. Sort of a security blanket whenever there's uneasiness anxiety that good ole stick is there to calm me and gave comfort.I would even go on to say that indeed the stick is my precious.

It also did not help when in 1998 one of my most loved TV series was shown "SEX AND THE CITY" And as we all know the central character Carrie Bradshaw was a cigarette popping gal which makes it all the more cool to be smoking at that time. And it actually gave me more motivation not to quit as Carrie showed me just how cool it was.

Hollywood also bolstered my addiction as most of the silver screen heroes I looked up to looks so fierce and cool whenever they have that freakin nicotine stick in their hands.

From Audrey Hepburn, Lana Turner, Marilyn Monroe to Liz Taylor. And not to forget the cool guys who smoked from Jimmy Dean to Brando etc.

In which case the rap in Madonna's Vogue basically summed up and enumerated the cool people that I am emulating with my addiction.

Right now I have to admit that I am still an addict. I have tried time and again to quit but as I have mentioned the pressures in life have had a big part in the said addiction. I know I'm rationalizing but as most people addicted to different substances it is so damn hard to let go.

I tried going cold turkey but I just ended up really lost and confused plus the fact that when one quits the tendency is to turn into other addiction .

In my case eating my hearts desire and as it is I'm not exactly slim so when i tried stopping I gained humongous amount of weight.

Nicotine patch also doesn't do it for me ,it simply does not work.

And my bowel movement also is so affected as i cant seem to evacuate with out the aid of the nicotine stick, which basically makes me so damn miserable and very short fused and as I realized does not suit well with my line of work which is basically pr/sales and one has to be always amiable and bubbly plus my personal relationships suffers esp with my family and friends. Because when I don't get my nicotine fix I'm simply a douche bag. To simply put it I'm kinda hopeless if I can break the chains from these terrible state I'm in.

I know I'm getting older even approaching the dreaded 40. And i realized that all things that I mentioned are bull shit. And seriously I really need to stop.

The fact that my addiction is creating havoc to my otherwise fabulous skin and my dear old lungs seems to be not in good mint condition as it was.

So I resolved that before I reached that dreaded age I will QUIT.

I am hoping that I will muster enough courage and will power to do so. I hope I end up like Carrie Bradshaw my TV heroine who was able to kick the habit after four seasons of the show.

I know that I'm an ID personality but a year from now I hope I can stop, And my smoking will just end up in smoke.....Before its too late.